So many losses. People with dementia and their loved ones often have loss after loss.
Mourning each loss as dementia progresses
I was speaking with a family member the other day and had a conversation like many I have had before. This woman’s husband, who was of our residents, died recently. She said that while now it hurts and is sad, she will finally mourn him for the last time.
She said that every time there was a decline she mourned. When he no longer knew where he was, she mourned. When he no longer could remember many important life events she mourned. When he could no longer walk, she mourned. When he no longer could move himself around in his wheelchair she mourned. Now that he has passed, she would mourn his death. She would mourn the finality of the years of dementia. She would mourn all the pain and loss.
Mourning loss, but also remembering joy
I think that she may underestimate her mourning as being one final time. Her sadness will likely come and go. It may creep up on her when she least expects it.
But now she will also be able to remember better the great joy that she had with him. While being a caregiver, whether at home or with someone in a facility, it can be hard to see the forest through the trees. With his death having come, she can think of the many wonderful years that they shared together and not just see the losses that had come with his dementia.
Stages of dementia: different perspectives
For many, it can be hard to find joy in people with dementia. For others it is much easier. I have written before that spouses tend to have much greater struggles than do children of those with dementia. Children can more often find the joy despite the declines.
Often it seems that spouses can hope for an end, for the sake of their loved one and for their own sake as well. Most of our residents are content much of the time. Many are downright happy most of the time. It can be hard for some to accept this. Some families seem to struggle to see the resident for who they are now and only think of them as they were. When thinking of them as how they were, they see only loss. They think that this person cannot possibly be happy because they never would have been happy to know this is how their life is. As a result, many of these families project their unhappiness onto their loved one. They can push for more and ‘better’ things for their loved one, often not seeing that so often the unhappiness they see in their loved one is their own pain.
While there are similarities in many situations, no two residents or families are the same. You may see yourself in parts of what I have written, or if I know you, you may wonder if you are who I am talking about at times. I will tell you that what I have written is pertinent for many people I have known over my time with Emerald Crest. You are unique but you are not alone.
Reverend Arlen Solem
Chaplain and Campus Pastor